February 7, 2006

Hi. Yes, Here I am in the lab. in the SF VA medical center.
I made Christi laugh and smile and squirm with delight, but alas, I don't think she's attracted to me. she's a nice girl, she couldn't help telling us the church that she wanted to be married. you should have seen how she was glowing when she said it.. her dreams were in her bloodstream and she was blushing with the excitement of love and a great joyous wedding. I was shocked. She hadn't said much up till today, strange you could talk about so many things, but the thing that she really wanted to talk about was marriage and love and stuff like that. Weird how guys are so different. But she left so abruptly today that I feel that yes, indeed she is the "Laugh with em and leave em" type.
Sick. It was worth it though just to see her looking so happy and adoring of the humor. goodness. what a lucky guy, it will be, who can be with her.
she wasn't even wearing make up today, and still stunning.
anyway. maybe i'll grow on her. i doubt, it. I think she probably knows that i might like her. I can't talk to her without meeting her eyes. that's not a good sign ,if you just want to have a funny friend of the opposite sex.

Gosh, they got me doing all sorts of office work here... real crap stuff. I am here about to embark on this project to recruit people to have their brains scanned for 50 bucks a pop. I just finished writing up all the questions they migh ask me.. my favorite is this.

Q:I know you don't want pregnant people usually, but I want you to scan my fetus’s brain as well as mine, I think he/she can be a control since he/she doesn't kick that much and that's a good sign of his neuronal integrity. That way I can get 100 bucks right? oh come on, 75 then.

A:oh sure , yes you can jeopardize the life and brain development of your child and make a solid 50 bucks doing it. the kick test is an excellent tool . congratulations you have brilliant ideas.

too bad her baby was 20 lbs. and she was 281 so , it didn't really work, since the limit on the mri machine is three hundred pounds.

And sally lives a couple blocks from me... fabulous... she wants to study. i just hope it doesn't end up being a waste of time... or worse.
I was hoping to study with Erin, and I got snagged by Sally... what a piece of turd on a pile of hay that is somewhere burning out past Kansas.Not her that is, but the situation at hand.
I made it home in one piece. can you believe it is 6:43PM ... I left that sonofacrumb hospital at around 4:30... that's a 2hour:13 minute commute. what a freaking joke. next time I'm just taking a freaking movie with me. son of a coppola. I swear what a sad world i live in where it takes a man more than two hours to go from a place where he volunteers to his home, of course I stopped at Andronicos but still.I feel like its raining pidgeon poop and i don't have an umbrella.now I have to finish my pile-of-heavenly-turd lab. I pretty much have it all done. Let's see if my little Anuketchka sent me a reply email. no, of course not , but lynn sent me a blackberry message.
after my session with Christi today I did see that Persian girl at the eating lounge and she gave me a second look, but how could i be thrilled about that after Christi. nothing compares. I didn't know Sinead O' Connor was living in my mouth, sick.

BORING HWK (SKIP):
Well the first step now is to make sure those extra questions are in tip top shape.
so lets check the google mailbox. Oh, there it is .


great I found Christi on facebook she's a freaking party animal of sorts. lucky her. looks like she likes white guys, which is cool with me. I'll just go in the bathroom here with some sandpaper and some pidgeon poop and I'll be white as a whiteboard. Sweet. Sweet Sweet. what a heartbreaker. i feel like i just found a puddle of dog poop and it had my name on it.

well just finished watching that silly OC show i always watch, The groundhog's day episode was pretty good, everyone falling in love again kind of episode, and the good news is there's another episode called "case of the franks".
My upstairs neighbor has been stomping like a maniac, because she wants me to know how it feels when i stomp the savoy at the c-house. but. oh well, it is what i do. I will be back in 45 min.
okay so it took an hour . big whoop. nothing like a good c-house stampede to start the evening.
between the Max and KOIT and that new 99.7 and of course live 105 all the basic music groups are pretty well covered. okay now back to business. even with 25 to 6 to 4 jammin in my ear. I wonder what my spirit animal is... in the oc they discuss it, but it is definitely an issue to comprehend. the animal must be playful, yet hold some kind of dormant compendium of strength power. Perhaps a wolf? i can't pick a sissy animal for the love of god, I mean obviously ape comes to mind, but now is not the time for self depracation. But i think I want an animal that cherishes freedom, like a high flying eagle. As a kid it was always the dolphin, due to its fond smile, and intelligence, and its ability to overthrow sharks. these were all values that I cherished at the time. Goodness, Inteligence, and a power over the greatest forces of evil. , but now its not like that... the dolphin is a simple happy, but unrealistic ideal. Perhaps the wolf , running , and snatching his food, showing affection and defense to his tribe, marching in freezing snow, fending off in desperate snarls at Russians trying to take the Siberias, and always showing the hint, the slightest show of affection that eventually after many generations, that the Wolf may turn into its loyal brother the dog. Afterall they shared some common caninus ancestor. But I always thought the wolf was too savage too fierce, i never snarl with fierce anger, I never bear my teeth. no indeed i am not the wolf. The more I think of it , the more i think that indeed I am Man. Torn between his lofty ideals, and his baser instincts. With eyes turned to the sky, but with body entangled in the twisted vines, and roots of this beastly mother. Man with all his quiet thoughts, his large pools of anxiety, his ferocious hurt and emptiness. His lack of well being, the ease by which he loses himself. the keeness with which tools make themselves available to his mind. indeed the man is the most powerful thing on the planet because man made the nuke. it is creation that is man's specialty, man's power, my power. but what has caused the stifling. surely if man could be considered a spirit animal it must be free to be itself, man is not free to be itself, it cannot be a spirit animal. he's somehow chained in knowledge. this is absurd. no wonder I could never find a friggin animal. I have no idea where I am.

HWK SKIP
las cosas primeras, primeras.
Erden's questions

Cyanide at 10:46 PM
Oh what a fool I've been to take the poison. I could have worked around it. How. There is absolutely no saving grace here. I mean if saving grace was measured in humidity, this would be west-central sahara at around 11:59AM. Okay so I finished the damn questions, i wish my parents were here to see me. you think i'm being sarcastic... i;m not ... I really wish they were here to see me. Yesterday before I fell asleep I pretended that I was at home like I was in high school and that i was in my bedroom and I knew my brother was in the room adjacent to mine, and that my parents were right down the hall, and that the heater would take in air right outside my room occasionally, and Shadow would whimper every now and then right outside my window and the house was full an the family was full. Now everything is lost. Everything. Everyone is trying to pretend everything is okay. nothing is okay. look at me... is anything okay here? cyanide at 10:46! I have two words for this setting: Bleak House. There will be no rising like an empress above the serenghetti, there is no inspiration. I am eating the clay of drought, chewing its morass.
If large doses of women, and beauty and love were dosed out to me like poker cards, like fortuen cookies after every meal, like plastic forks to use and throw away, then I would never have invested effort into the endeavor. I would never have honed in on the skills that I now possess, never have directed my creativity to arts that are cruicial in the act of wooing, or winning over a girl with a smile. My creativity would have been channeled solely into the triumph, and not into the endeavor. Sure there is something to say about triumph, but it is the endeavor that creates the story the dynamic, the possability for change. How could any of this be written now, if I had Christi in my arms somewhere right this moment. In Subterraneanz, I think they're talking about a poet. Yeats, Stein, or probably Baudiliere. and the woman says , "I would have traded all those sad poems he wrote for the happy man". interesting. I don't know about this one. I really don't. Is she talking out of her ass? i dont know. Kerouac seemed to think it was noteworthy, but then again it was one of his earlier books. If christi were smiling and kissing me on the face,my monologue would be :" Sweet. Holy Hassle-free... Opera move over... Silly pains.... I think I am flying on a baby's blanket...happy permanent. "

it would be a crock of useless lingo... useless.

HWK
so now I should verify my conclusion .... against what he himself dictated in class. I think it will be fine. I am feeling a bit hungry for some gnutella bread and Soymilk.
okay the first thing he
cyanide at 12:13