I feel terribly inadequate. El Camino College is ruining my life by sending the transcript out so late. I don't know what the hell the matter with them is. Shit. I just am enraged. I wish they would hurry the hell up. this is obscene. I am going to listen to a god damn love song to get my mind off this trash... oooh ahhh. yes smooth rolling notes. Lullaby way offf broadway. I think its time that someone brought us some wine and poured it down my back and we had a fun time in a jacuzzi in the sky. i'll plant a palm tree in a cloud and well use it as a sail to norway and visit my ol friend Ingvald. I'll drop gilly off at a cave in tennessee. and pick up some elvis CD's and we'll play them on our cloudmobile as we putter off to Liberia. and get a T shirt that says Liberia on it because that is the coolest name for a place. It's like living in a town called Freedom, but more tropical. BUt a bit disgusting because it shares the end -ia with monrovia.

I hate El Camino Transcript man. he promised to send it out on Friday, the bastard, my dad says to just delete el camino but it says specificially at amcas, to not do so.

what a pile of grade A bullshit. I seen it on the windowsill that's how apparent it is to me.
DOn't know how it got there but I seen it sliding down in chunks. what a crapshoot.
Crapshoot- something that has an unpredictable outcome.
but Im using it differently.

I have been furnished with new ideas.

1. a Domestic Student Exchange Program (DSEP) taking affluent american children and placing them in homes of their babysitters and gardeners. there are three month stints. they are to know a year of spanish before entering the house, and hopefully will practice their spanish there. They will provide money for lodging and food and should take part in the house chores.
the family is to understand that the individual should be considered a guest and know that the guest may be busy with school work.
People to talk to:
EOP-Mexico
Jaime Mancilla
Nancy Klosowski
A log is to be kept detailing similarities and differences in family activities and culture. Perhaps a log of new experience should be kept with each day's goal of overcoming one social anxiety.

2. Panavision Panaflex '72 Camera perhaps can be used to take pictures of amateur script scenes with amateur actors. To ease load on actors, try scenes with slight paranormal subtexts. Or characters. Better to consult Film departments about this and sit in on some film classes.

3. Write short scenes.
The Terrible Abortion
The Light Switch
New Neighbor on Mars.

It is a lazy day. I can afford to say something lazy and non committed. I am summer with my pants down on my comfy mattress. I am hoping to regain what i have feared of losing fo so long my descriptive edge. derrick. it seems I've gone dry.
derrick is peace. odd, and I am a joker. Derrick doesn't laugh but finds it funny

So my counselor said I was running away. Chist. What am I runinng away from? It would seem that whenever I lose an opportunity it is not because I tried and lost it, but b/c I ran away from it. How odd. But does listening to one's heart mean listening to what one wants at a given moment. If that is the case then, It will be that half of my heart is actually my you-know-what.
Today, I braced myself for teh enxcless possability of succeding in going up to any w and asking anything my heart may have desired.
But with possability comes the stifling, the loss of working out upon that possability, regrett.
whatever is the case, or the story, a man in his last resorts, in his last, moments can always afford to do one thing, one thing that even without God, he can do to afford him some sad pathetic and miserable type of happienss, one that my now deceased dog also on many occasions resorted to, and that was the ability to dream. how amazing is the dream. it allows f0r a possability that can never take place to regain at yped of strang lusterful reality. the various things that a man yearns for: a feeling touch, the caring love, the hot passionate you-know all can readilyl be orchestrated, only depending of course upon a man's imagination. Luckily, that's the one thing i hav egod. so I am definitely a dreamer. and wil lcontinue to be a dreamer because it affords me with the most delicious sites, the most fasicnateing and succesful moments, my speech, my script, my life. this is how I earn my living, this is how I ford throught the heaving tide. i know that this dreamscape as the last rung and is a catching one. But only a dream that has the potential to be realized in reality really holds any thick kind of weight. ah hell.

Hunt &Chase

Gathering little pine needles from yesterdays tree shaking.

Boy. Yesterday was like a strange dream.
It was an out and out chase for the golden cup. the golden cup being a girl.
not just any girl ofcourse.
We set out going to lunch, then to a drugstore, then to driving behind a couple girls, then to college avenue's roma cafe, and up and down the boulevard, and there was a girl with her parents at the mediterranean... how would we ever sneak in to say hi to her? man it would have taken a lot of balls to do something like that. But we had them. oh well. then we were walking past LA Foot, and Dan of course waves to someone inside. and we keep on walking. we come up with the scheme to say that he is interested in some athletic shoes. I sit down next to the girl, but she is fitting someone's shoe for them. she has flowing sandy blonde hair, eyebrows and and quaint face, I make some small talk about how hot it is in there. this place is like a sauna- kind of talk.
A white girl. Her name was jordan. She looked like a fox, and was probably dynamite. And the crazy thing is we left just without doing anything.
but I went back.
and invited her
and she wrote her number on the back of her boss's card.

bad news ... i called. and she has a big black boyfriend.
but she still thinks coffee is okay.
I guess that means I am in love.
If only not for the big black boyfriend, who can huff and puff and blow my house down.

What about the bar exploits at Becketts and dancing the night away to the calls of the homely girls there. that was nice. too bad the only one I had any yearning towards left with her boyfriend early. Someday I will find her again.

with thinking about jordan, its like a violinist has the bow catch just right on the string, before he pulls a note, he feels the catch and anticipates the sweet note. His breath is held. This is how I feel.

Chronicles of Bliss and Longing

I can hardly write. THere is a boy who draws back his jacket and itches his chest. He is doing this becaus he can't get at his heart.
I fell in love three times today. How can it be, when I got home there was me, crawling on the floor breathing in the dust perhaps but laughing and saying, " I didn't know it felt like that, I didn't know it felt like that. Which should I start with the one the two or the three?

Number 1: Heaven
Oh, the one was heaven.
I would have gone to the far reaches of saturn if she had shown any interest.
love be a foreign word and I would go back in time and inform webster that i found the definition for something thought to be unimaginable. Who knows what her name was? There I was in that cursed family and comedy aisle of elephant pharmacy, i look up and I see, who a marvelous composiiton of sandy blonde hair pensive hazel blue eyes, a defined mouth with elegant pink on it. Such pensive eyes, I had to try to make her smile, I eventually succeded but it was in my leaving that she gave me that gift, and I hope not because of it. She climbed up a few steps toward me, and of which time I kept my heart from beating. She snuck away and i waited because in that nicely cramped section of videos she would swing by, I looked through and didn't expect her to come so soon. and little did i know but there she was, in her full being, complete reaching, sad somehow, but perfect. I mumbled"hello". I had heard about your heart migrating to the regions of your throat and obstructing your speech and now I had experienced it. she didn't say a word. COLD, I thought. an icy sweat may have started to run across my arms.I crouched and pretended to be engrossed in DVDs, knowing full well she knew and despised my feigned distraction. but what could I do? I could not run away from her. you can't just walk away from the temple of bliss. It drew me like a fly to neon light. I was stuck.I noticed thing while i was crouched, her cutoff jean dress, torn white little fragments of cotton where they were serated that gave way to golden skin that only sandy blonds can procure. her dress was like manhattan beach the white fray the sand, and her thighs the calm pacific glimmering with summer sun. I hoped my crouching did not make her think me depraved for my head was groin height. I was her slave in that crouched position, willingly in submission, and she could care less. I managed stand up and as if lifting Shiva's bow was able to say, " yaaa know, i'm not too happy about the selection here, I um, really, don't, um think that they could... well what do you think, "She felt embarassed and awkward for me for one second, she knew what I was doing. But that was replaced again with her complacence. At least she felt embarassed I thought, I don't know she replied awkwardly.
I then stammered and found a stream of thought, " I was looking for a family movie, a feel good one, but its been so hard, I wanted to see this one, I quickly pulled out "the Christmas story". Have you seen it?" She looked at it and laughed, it looked plainly childish, someting a 4 year old might demaind their mommy to rent for them. But did I mention she laughed.
teeth are pretty ordinary, but for some reason, lined up in that mouth, they were like pearls on a necklace, jesus. what teeth, what smile, .... "yeah i know, its childish, I was looking for a family movie for adults, you konw like a woodie allen type of movie, what would you suggest?"
She said I don't know, how bout Sandlot 2, she was having fun, i said yeah, but that's no that much more adult really, i mean, who can forget the fat kid, who can forget a face like that, i wen to show her, but she had moved back to sifting through her comedy section movies. I asked, " what are you getting, ... she showed me Norbit, I told her yeah, eddie murphy at it again. she didn't seem to pay much attention to me, i continued," i remember when that came out." Why would she care that I remembered when that came out! I was losing, so I kept quiet. She pulled out afew dvds and I accepted defeat. I said, after 5 minutes, " yeah, I don't think I'm going to take your advice but thanks, and that's when i got a perfect smile. a meaningful one, one not mocking, but genuinely happy, i tickled her from the inside somehow. funny sad perfect girl. what must be happening in her life to make her so cold and distant.

number 2: Madelein
Customer service at the Elephant pharmacy... oh why do I bother? how could anyone compare to number 1!
Madelein loves me somehow. She is beautiful and smart, and her soul is naturally loving. she told me she doesn't do this for everyone and gave me a special number. When she bent over to write the number I don't understand but her breasts seemed to grow, I didn't understand the change, but I seemed to like it.She was not the type of person to have breasts like that, elegant, reserved calm and delighted, but when she bent over, I guess a latten tsass tended to pour out, and there were the jugs. Her eyes looked at me as she was leaned forward. but I didn't want to kiss her. I feel bad, because if she looked like number 3 I would be walking down the aisle by now. but Her face at least a few charms, Her mouth is smart and incisive. she talked freely about working at the store, and how LA was more superficial, typical boring topic and commentary, but she knew it was so and she still was engaged in it as if it were a new creation between the two of us.I warned her about northside housing. Some cursed elderly customer asked for some obscure crap and she had to help them and never really came back, well she did, but I had left, and I guess she saw me talking to number 1. I hope not, oh both so lovely. I wanted to ask her so hard, to come over tonight and we could watch a movie together. and talk and I could make a nice dessert. But that would have been too soon. I intead said, I am leaving in two months, which translates to "I can't ask you out because i'm leaving, but i do want to maybe rush this thing we have, if you would be willing. let's talk now... actually i just don't want to be alone right now. "

Number 3:
is my dustbin for the rest of them.
I had thought the tattoed girl was a lesbian, she had the word permiscuous written all over her. Her laziness and indolent hedonism had caused a little more thickness, than the fitter sorts, but there she was with her rimmed glasses, and the mouth that hung slightly open, a typical sign of sex-yearning. Hmm. so I looked straight into her, and she ignored me. so I thought okay, maybe a lesbian, and then at the end she was looking for Endless sunshine, and i offered the Jim carrey Seciton, adn she smiled, laughed even, I liberated a laugh. who knows why... it wasn't even funny, maybe it was the way I said it, maybe because Jim carrey is a comedian, and doesn't deserve his own section.

Wandering around the town, looking for love light, is like playing yo-yo with your heart. But to see beauty, you need a well lit place. THere is no place as well lit, albeit almost ascerbic lighting, as Walgreens Pharamcy. I rummaged through the many items, pretending to have been purposed to be there, shampoo, notepad, noticing the gaming grounds. and then I heard laughter. Long ago, in a cabin far far away, I remember the popping of fire, sitting with my dog, and listening lazily and watching the flames sway. When I heard that laughter, then a few words and then more laughter I thought, it felt like watching and hearing those flames. I moved toward my new hearth. and three girls were at the ice cream section and pointing at the fog developing on the glass and laughing idiotically. I almost said, "hey, what's so funny guys", and I really regret that I didn't but i didn't want to introduce any fear into their happy moment of silliness. I kept nearby grabbing some peanuts, and they left, Of course I was drawn by them to the checkout also-Heck, If they hadn't left, I probably would have stuck around and bought more, their virtue was politness which i noticed at checkout, because of this, i regret not having said something, because at least politeness would have bought me some time after the ice break. After they had walked out the door, my chekcout cashier said to me, you look as if you haven't foudn something, what is it?
How could I tell him, Ha!, He should be a freaking psychologist. You can't find what i was looking for in a walgreens aisle!!!!. that was so funny, I chuckled resignedly, " no, no, i have found everything just fine, just my thursday night shopping spree. "

Note: A stalker calculates and moves, I am not a stalker because I have no calculation, i am drawn, irrespective of what my brain says. I am not a stalker but a fool.

So no numbers, but somehow success because i didn't run away from number 1 I stood my ground, but the bait was not bit. what can be done if the fish aren't hungry?