HereI am at the manhattan beach public library. Ithink that i f I lose the threatening feelng, gaining the everythign will be allright feeling, then I will lose 3/4 of the lust. the other 1/4 will be easily manageable I think. as I gain an environment that will be conducive to love and karma. Today I went to 826LA and worked with some kids (emmanuel and I forgot) with masks, and there was this other girl who was sitting there and made an opera mask. I made an ugly minnie mouse robot mask for a guy and told him that if mickey saw him, mickey would isnantly gt a divorce. That set him off in a bout of laughter, which sent the girl off also. The feeling that everyting is going to be allright often is accompanied with constructiveness. So when I study long and hard and know everything on a test I can feel that "everything is going to be allright" I know I have been constructive. I think another 1/8 will be diminished by the constant dancing and exercise motif so that only 1/8 of the lust will actually remain. This I can allay with a Let me not look around policy, but of course a part of me does want to indulge. It is so easy to know that there is no such thing as a lust

March 9, 2008

I thought everything was dead, but everythign is NOT Dead.
Everything has become alive live live . alive live live . alive-man laid an egg.

It should be stated that at any moment of imprisonment, there is the possability, no matter how small, there lies the possibility, and of course the inevitability that the escape will come, and one should brace oneself, because it may come all of a sudden. what a rush of excitement. just thinking about it can be.

March 5, 2008

In a late blitzkrieg of information... mainly for the purpose of direction finding.
writing some epic about an eskimo tribe and some guy who must go on a mission to hunt some giant wolves in the northern forrest.. craz mission with two convicts (only volunteers). I just want him to be gnawed at by wolves for justice. A modern sisiphys. Work in the Oswaldo lab is disjointed... i have been taking more advantage of the irreplaceable resources provided me in the facilities of UCLA. I can see that my constant connection with appropriate media in the form of podcasts and ripped audiobooks has provided me with a ready quick access fund of vocabulary. I find that my writing and oftentimes formal speech has become more fluent. My lab-mate Yeesul was acting silly today. We played cards with her deck of Western blot transfer paper strip-deck. Oh a funny accident. today we were measuring distance in a given time for Omid's 7th grade project. We went back and forth in the street in front of his house. we were on the sixth lap in our 3 minute course, when an exasperated mother in a SUV pulled up and started asking for directions, we slowed down to respond but couldn't fully, first I went and said a few words and pointed my hand, and then omid was shufflying behind me and had his chance but eventually both of us deserted the poor women who stood there baffled and bewildered. not to mentioned already lost.
I met Tamara at some Neurosci lecture, she was there to fullfill some requirement. I will see her tommorow also. She has a piercing face, and playful heart. I think she's jewish, she has a jewish nose, i suppose. I don't know.
Odd thing but I think ever since my december trip up north the arsenic took a nasty turn.
In the journal club I have sent emails but no one has responded. In my survey of potential careers, i have lighted upon for biology for its ready factual database of interesting knowledge., ready for manipulation and probing... As well asmedicine for the duty side, the compassionate side of me that feels bad that those around me must suffer so much more terrible slings than I.

I feel terribly inadequate. El Camino College is ruining my life by sending the transcript out so late. I don't know what the hell the matter with them is. Shit. I just am enraged. I wish they would hurry the hell up. this is obscene. I am going to listen to a god damn love song to get my mind off this trash... oooh ahhh. yes smooth rolling notes. Lullaby way offf broadway. I think its time that someone brought us some wine and poured it down my back and we had a fun time in a jacuzzi in the sky. i'll plant a palm tree in a cloud and well use it as a sail to norway and visit my ol friend Ingvald. I'll drop gilly off at a cave in tennessee. and pick up some elvis CD's and we'll play them on our cloudmobile as we putter off to Liberia. and get a T shirt that says Liberia on it because that is the coolest name for a place. It's like living in a town called Freedom, but more tropical. BUt a bit disgusting because it shares the end -ia with monrovia.

I hate El Camino Transcript man. he promised to send it out on Friday, the bastard, my dad says to just delete el camino but it says specificially at amcas, to not do so.

what a pile of grade A bullshit. I seen it on the windowsill that's how apparent it is to me.
DOn't know how it got there but I seen it sliding down in chunks. what a crapshoot.
Crapshoot- something that has an unpredictable outcome.
but Im using it differently.

I have been furnished with new ideas.

1. a Domestic Student Exchange Program (DSEP) taking affluent american children and placing them in homes of their babysitters and gardeners. there are three month stints. they are to know a year of spanish before entering the house, and hopefully will practice their spanish there. They will provide money for lodging and food and should take part in the house chores.
the family is to understand that the individual should be considered a guest and know that the guest may be busy with school work.
People to talk to:
EOP-Mexico
Jaime Mancilla
Nancy Klosowski
A log is to be kept detailing similarities and differences in family activities and culture. Perhaps a log of new experience should be kept with each day's goal of overcoming one social anxiety.

2. Panavision Panaflex '72 Camera perhaps can be used to take pictures of amateur script scenes with amateur actors. To ease load on actors, try scenes with slight paranormal subtexts. Or characters. Better to consult Film departments about this and sit in on some film classes.

3. Write short scenes.
The Terrible Abortion
The Light Switch
New Neighbor on Mars.

It is a lazy day. I can afford to say something lazy and non committed. I am summer with my pants down on my comfy mattress. I am hoping to regain what i have feared of losing fo so long my descriptive edge. derrick. it seems I've gone dry.
derrick is peace. odd, and I am a joker. Derrick doesn't laugh but finds it funny

So my counselor said I was running away. Chist. What am I runinng away from? It would seem that whenever I lose an opportunity it is not because I tried and lost it, but b/c I ran away from it. How odd. But does listening to one's heart mean listening to what one wants at a given moment. If that is the case then, It will be that half of my heart is actually my you-know-what.
Today, I braced myself for teh enxcless possability of succeding in going up to any w and asking anything my heart may have desired.
But with possability comes the stifling, the loss of working out upon that possability, regrett.
whatever is the case, or the story, a man in his last resorts, in his last, moments can always afford to do one thing, one thing that even without God, he can do to afford him some sad pathetic and miserable type of happienss, one that my now deceased dog also on many occasions resorted to, and that was the ability to dream. how amazing is the dream. it allows f0r a possability that can never take place to regain at yped of strang lusterful reality. the various things that a man yearns for: a feeling touch, the caring love, the hot passionate you-know all can readilyl be orchestrated, only depending of course upon a man's imagination. Luckily, that's the one thing i hav egod. so I am definitely a dreamer. and wil lcontinue to be a dreamer because it affords me with the most delicious sites, the most fasicnateing and succesful moments, my speech, my script, my life. this is how I earn my living, this is how I ford throught the heaving tide. i know that this dreamscape as the last rung and is a catching one. But only a dream that has the potential to be realized in reality really holds any thick kind of weight. ah hell.